This blog is written as a way for me to express my feelings, thoughts and emotions as I go through life as a proud Air Force Wife!

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August 27, 2010

Bizarre-Strange-Confused

Those are just some of the word describing me right now.

Wow- not sure what I am going through. I need to look up emotional stages of a deployment. I am feeling so weird. I am tired all the time now. I don't really want to do anything. yesterday I sat on my couch and stared aimlessly for over an hour. BIZARRE!  I never take naps- NEVER- I took 2- yes 2 this week. BIZARRE I forced myself this morning to go meet some other spouses for coffee. I typically love going and look forward to it each week. not today! BIZARRE

I'm feeling so many emotions at once right now. I am so mad at my van- I just got it fixed yesterday and spent $370 on it. Today- it dies on me. The exact reason why I got it fixed yesterday.UGH So far this deployment- my heater broke, garage door opener broke, van broke-twice-, fence broke, mower broke, sump pump broke and flooded some of the basement, master bath toilet leaked into downstairs room and my kitchen sink leaked. I'm sure there is more.  All while I am taking care of 2 dogs, 2 vehicles, a house and bills. Not to mention my 2 kids- my daughter who absolutely adores her dad and is going through some self esteem issues. Plus-my son, which is a 13 year old teenager-UGH!!

I feel so tired, worn down, sad, angry.......

I literally would love to just sit at my kitchen table- put my head on it and just let my arms hang down for hours and hours. Not moving or thinking. Just sit there. I don't even want to sleep- even though I am SO tired, I don't want to sleep.

Call me a whiner, complainer- whatever. Don't really care. I know that we signed up for this and I am not saying that I don't want to be a military spouse or that I can't handle it. I'm just saying...........

I don't know what I'm saying really. LOL Maybe I'm just going through a moment. I hope it ends soon. I have so much I need to be taking care of and yet I can't seem to accomplish anything.

I know there are worse situations. I am aware that I truly don't have it that bad. I am thankful that we are all healthy and blessed with a roof over our head. I am thankful for the love of my family and all they my husband provides for us. I am thankful that we are ending this deployment soon. I am thankful that his job does not regularly put him in harms way. I AM thankful.

But still----  I feel..........................BLAH      (blank face staring at computer screen)

I'm sure none of this has anything to do with the fact that my husband has been gone since Jan 30th and I miss him more than I could ever explain.

10 comments:

B. said...

you'll make it though!

Sarah said...

I know EXACTLY what you mean!! Though not EVERYTHING has gone wrong yet (I'm sure it will...Murphy's Law and all), I feel tired all the time. Not sleepy, just tired. I don't want to do anything but sit on the couch. Laundry has piled up, dishes need to be done...and I just don't care. I don't have kiddos to take care of - just my dog - so it's not like my lack of chores is effecting anyone else. But, I do wish I felt like doing something. If you figure out what's wrong with us, let me know. =P

Beka said...

I'm sorry you're in such a funk! You have every right to complain! We all knew what we were signing up for with this lifestyle but it doesn't mean it's easy or we can't whine a little sometimes.. {even though I don't think your whining} You're venting! =) This deployment is winding down and maybe this whole time you have just been so strong and keeping it all together and now that it's so close to the end, it might just be hitting you all at once.

Keep your head up!! You can do this!! You are almost to the finish line!! <3

Laina said...

awwww...yes, I am familiar with these "blah" days. Keep on keeping on.

TAW said...

Girl, you are normal!!!!!!!!!! Deployment, even if you are well into it, sucks. Anyone who is all "woohee, deployment" or who claims that you're being "non military" by complaining clearly has never been in your shoes or is lying about what they themselves feel. You've summed up quite nicely what so many of us feel. And it's ok to feel that way.

Now, just keep your eyes open because you might also even be a little bit depressed - or a lot depressed. Which would be normal. It's when it lingers on for too too long then it might be worth a talk with the dr.

Wishing you the best. :)

Molly Danger said...

You are so close to being done. I know that I haven't done this whole deployment thing yet but I know that you're almost there! One day at a time and you'll make it. *hugs* Does ice cream help? I know it helps me!

Lingars 2 said...

I am so sorry! You are perfectly normal to need to vent.....we have to deal with it as best we can, and it's NOT EASY! I will keep you in my prayers! You CAN do it! You've done fabulous so far from what I can tell...there IS an end in sight! Chin up and God Bless you!

It's Something Beautiful said...

Im sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. Your taking the first step though - venting. Sometimes you just need to get everything off your chest. Also, try to take time for yourself and get pampered. I know with two kids and everything else going on its hard to find time - but finding it is important.

I hope you the very best and know that things will get better soon! keep your head up :)

www.life-itssomethingbeautiful.blogspot.com

Sammie said...

You should never EVER feel the need to justify your feelings, especially to other military spouses. I've been going back & forth on writing a blog post about just that--how we're always in competition over who has it worse. Just feel and be okay with that. Because you're life has been in upheaval the past few months with hubby gone and you DESERVE to feel whatever emotion you have. You may have "signed up for this" but that doesn't mean you don't get to feel sad, depressed, angry, cranky..what have you. BIG BIG HUGS!

military boots said...

Just hang in there. I know it must be difficult holding down the fort by yourself but every day that passes is one day sooner to when your husband comes home. God bless our troops and their families.

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